A few years back I wrote a post reconciling the challenges of dating while black and conscious. That particular post meant a lot to me personally, as I wrote it I realized that love and consciousness,  essentially have no bias. They do not worry whether or not one is one thing versus another. They present themselves to us and we then have the responsibility to accept these things in our lives or not. What I have also learned the last few years is who I am, what I desire as my life result, and mostly what it will take to accomplish these things. The challenge now is meeting someone who is suitable for that lifestyle.

He doesn't have to be conscious.

It wasn't just my writings that brought me to this outcome, but also my personal experience. Often times (especially as a woman), we allow our better nature's controls the way we view our potential mates. More often this leads to unreasonable expectations of our partners which ultimately leads to our own disappointment. In regards to "conscious men", I believe we allow exterior factors to define the quality of the man long before he presents us with his reality of who he is and what capacity he has.

I've dated "black conscious men" who couldn't commit to the realities of living a lifestyle that requires a certain sacrifice personally and professionally. Men who are only within the "conscious community" to find women. Men who have emotional trauma which impedes their ability to be a quality mate - and the list goes on from there.  I am not saying I've have been at my best at all times, but what I am saying is that the men I have met have been very limited and not what I choose for me and where I am going in my life.

Emerging from this growth, what I have realized is that a man for me ideally doesn't have to be "conscious", what he should be, however, is someone secure in his self-identity, willing and able to understand and well as be understood. A person willing to break-away from the traditional African American lifestyle - wanting to plot a chart of his own. Open to building something that will last beyond his lifetime, and to share in the complexity of who he his.

This type of man is not exclusive to black consciousness - although he may be more difficult to find in today's times. He is not found in one given community. Contrary to popular belief, consciousness is not exclusive to one type of people, gender, age group, social status or the like. Consciousness is something each one of us has, it takes its own shape within us. The boundaries of man's mind is not just what he is taught, but also the sum of his experiences.

I say this to say that, just because a man is not in the conscious community doesn't mean that he isn't conscious. We all have our own walks and journey we must go through in order to become our best selves. We must not discount the men and women who would not openly say nor understand what we/some/you would say is consciousness. And because of this, a man I choose to spend any portion of my life with doesn't have to meet the conscious criteria in order to be with me. What he must be, is a man of his own mind -in all respects.

He just has to be for me.

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash