The Constant Gardener: Healing Through Listening Within
By Unknown - Saturday, December 30, 2017
I had no intention of sharing this, but I feel now that it may add value to, however, happens across this.
click for some easy listening
Earlier today I had the opportunity to have a session done with a friend of mine. As I laid on the table, my friend and I both noticed that the frequency wasn’t doing much for me. (528 hz). So we mutually decided to turn the waves up until she could visually see a change in my response.
I will admit that I was very skeptical of Reiki, however, at around 900 hz I could feel something happening. A pulsing that was hepatic of the vibrations. As I sat, I tried my best to just be present without any thoughts. And at 928 hz I felt something warm - a radiance of sorts moving to different sections of my body, this radiance spent some time at my heart before finally resting in my mind. In an instant, tears started to creep down the sides of my face. If any of you truly know me - know that I am not much for crying, except in moments of authenticity - my most sincere and vulnerable state.
I was bare and overwhelmingly free at the same time.
I can remember when I first reappeared online, my most used saying was,
“for me to cry is the same as for me to break.”
The realization of what I was saying without saying was the main reason for me to write “YONIVERSE”. Understanding the impact of feeling myself feel and bare witness was a major accomplishment for me. However, I am still fighting myself.
All my life, all that I have done has been founded on my ability to move without emotion. To be, yet not be present. To devour and never to taste, to hear and never listen, to have been loved and never return it. Much of my adult life I have been faced with two opposing options, to feel - or not to feel. My mind always saw the consequence of feeling. I’ve seen (as a child) the trauma of feelings gone array. I bore witness to people being unkind, un-compassionate, unforgiving, and so many others. And how these things caused a feeling of being forsaken, remorse, regret, helplessness, hopeless and above all - without purpose.
Through my own personal experience I’ve seen, “Society destroy its people - yet claim we all have a responsibility to them, to create the very mechanism the kills one’s spirit and then say we have to “save them”. -OSHO
And as the tears fell, I began to smile - and then laugh. This joyful laugh that resonated throughout my entire body. It was then I knew I was mending with certainty. It was the same warmth I felt as I held my daughter for the first time. The time I kissed my son on his forehead and hugged him after a bad day at school. When I watch these seeds grow into food I can eat in my garden - and feed my family. To have my bare feet on the grass or feel the soil crumble through my fingers.
We are very much like flowers, yet the gardeners in the same breath. What we give ourselves produces our levels of awareness and character. How we tend to our own hearts, minds and spirits allows us to make possible the blossoming of a great being. We often take for granted the great gift of feeling and allowing ourselves to feel in a way that we are aware of our senses and able to breakthrough to become better afterward.
✔I had limited myself SO MUCH,
✔I asked for help once and was rejected. . . I said, never again.
✔I loved once and was heartbroken. . .I said, never again.
✔I was abused once. . .I said, never again.
✔I told a secret once and it was later revealed. . .I said, never again.
✔I share an experience once and was told it never happened. . .I said, never again.
I had said never so many times, there was nothing left to say never to. My fear of a repeated experience was so heavily present, it prevented me from any connection of any kind. So there I was - this wandering warrior - this lone wolf (the Alphess), journeying alone. Missing all the wonders the forest had to offer. This she-wolf -with no pack, no awareness of how great to experience anything with someone other than myself. I was the only one in the entire forest, sometimes happening alone a group of others - where I’d observe them for a moment and move one.
So back to the flowers. . .It was the wonder of flowers which brought me back to life (children). My second daughter was my redemption to fixing all the wrongs I had created. With her still in womb I said, Never Again - would I allow myself to not feel, to not love, to not be vulnerable or kind.
I refused to starve myself of any more nourishment. I myself, a flower in which I had still yet to bloom.
Feeding myself:
💓love
💆patience
💁compassion
🙇kindness
✊sincerity
🕑time
🎱and above all. . .purpose
So here I am now, on a table crying and laughing - because I’m crying. Happy to be present. Waking up each morning greeting the sun, and every night bathing under the moon. Not for nothing, old habits die hard and I sometimes find myself in question if I am staying on this new life experience. Sometimes I wonder if my words have merit, or sometimes reciprocation. I am now in a new place feeling a new series of thoughts and emotions.
so for now, I am a constant gardener. (smiles with sincerity)
Earlier today I had the opportunity to have a session done with a friend of mine. As I laid on the table, my friend and I both noticed that the frequency wasn’t doing much for me. (528 hz). So we mutually decided to turn the waves up until she could visually see a change in my response.
I will admit that I was very skeptical of Reiki, however, at around 900 hz I could feel something happening. A pulsing that was hepatic of the vibrations. As I sat, I tried my best to just be present without any thoughts. And at 928 hz I felt something warm - a radiance of sorts moving to different sections of my body, this radiance spent some time at my heart before finally resting in my mind. In an instant, tears started to creep down the sides of my face. If any of you truly know me - know that I am not much for crying, except in moments of authenticity - my most sincere and vulnerable state.
I was bare and overwhelmingly free at the same time.
I can remember when I first reappeared online, my most used saying was,
“for me to cry is the same as for me to break.”
The realization of what I was saying without saying was the main reason for me to write “YONIVERSE”. Understanding the impact of feeling myself feel and bare witness was a major accomplishment for me. However, I am still fighting myself.
All my life, all that I have done has been founded on my ability to move without emotion. To be, yet not be present. To devour and never to taste, to hear and never listen, to have been loved and never return it. Much of my adult life I have been faced with two opposing options, to feel - or not to feel. My mind always saw the consequence of feeling. I’ve seen (as a child) the trauma of feelings gone array. I bore witness to people being unkind, un-compassionate, unforgiving, and so many others. And how these things caused a feeling of being forsaken, remorse, regret, helplessness, hopeless and above all - without purpose.
Through my own personal experience I’ve seen, “Society destroy its people - yet claim we all have a responsibility to them, to create the very mechanism the kills one’s spirit and then say we have to “save them”. -OSHO
And as the tears fell, I began to smile - and then laugh. This joyful laugh that resonated throughout my entire body. It was then I knew I was mending with certainty. It was the same warmth I felt as I held my daughter for the first time. The time I kissed my son on his forehead and hugged him after a bad day at school. When I watch these seeds grow into food I can eat in my garden - and feed my family. To have my bare feet on the grass or feel the soil crumble through my fingers.
We are very much like flowers, yet the gardeners in the same breath. What we give ourselves produces our levels of awareness and character. How we tend to our own hearts, minds and spirits allows us to make possible the blossoming of a great being. We often take for granted the great gift of feeling and allowing ourselves to feel in a way that we are aware of our senses and able to breakthrough to become better afterward.
✔I had limited myself SO MUCH,
✔I asked for help once and was rejected. . . I said, never again.
✔I loved once and was heartbroken. . .I said, never again.
✔I was abused once. . .I said, never again.
✔I told a secret once and it was later revealed. . .I said, never again.
✔I share an experience once and was told it never happened. . .I said, never again.
I had said never so many times, there was nothing left to say never to. My fear of a repeated experience was so heavily present, it prevented me from any connection of any kind. So there I was - this wandering warrior - this lone wolf (the Alphess), journeying alone. Missing all the wonders the forest had to offer. This she-wolf -with no pack, no awareness of how great to experience anything with someone other than myself. I was the only one in the entire forest, sometimes happening alone a group of others - where I’d observe them for a moment and move one.
So back to the flowers. . .It was the wonder of flowers which brought me back to life (children). My second daughter was my redemption to fixing all the wrongs I had created. With her still in womb I said, Never Again - would I allow myself to not feel, to not love, to not be vulnerable or kind.
I refused to starve myself of any more nourishment. I myself, a flower in which I had still yet to bloom.
Feeding myself:
💓love
💆patience
💁compassion
🙇kindness
✊sincerity
🕑time
🎱and above all. . .purpose
So here I am now, on a table crying and laughing - because I’m crying. Happy to be present. Waking up each morning greeting the sun, and every night bathing under the moon. Not for nothing, old habits die hard and I sometimes find myself in question if I am staying on this new life experience. Sometimes I wonder if my words have merit, or sometimes reciprocation. I am now in a new place feeling a new series of thoughts and emotions.
so for now, I am a constant gardener. (smiles with sincerity)
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